This will be my last post related to the previous "My past" posts including some of the poetry I wrote during those days.
This is ME
the one minute im up there
happy, unconcerned and free
free from the bonds that bind my soul
from cut and dried convictions about my life
from the sentences passed over me
by those who think they know
what i should be, do and say
and then my horizons are limitless
my hopes are unshamed
but then suddenly, unexpectedly, deliberately
my mood changes; becomes ominous
dark, thunder, black
and i become someone else
or maybe only then the true me
a being that never forgives, never forgets
with no love, other than self love
a dark, sick love
a love of self protect, self need
a love where everbody is there for me
then i live inside myself
against all
at the cost of all
and then comes the times
that there is remorse
where clear thought and sympathy
for others break through the mist
where i think
this or that isnt normal
that the civilized wouldnt do this or that
but then comes the revolution "i"
against the standards and the norms
of those that never accepted or understood me
that didnt stand and shout in anger
when my child body was misused
the civilized ones - the ones without shame
sink themselves into tender feelings
that turn away their faces
it is my hate for them
overshadow the hate for myself
and i revel in this alien being
this is me
the one minute im up there
happy, unconcerned and free
free from the bonds that bind my soul
from cut and dried convictions about my life
from the sentences passed over me
by those who think they know
what i should be, do and say
and then my horizons are limitless
my hopes are unshamed
but then suddenly, unexpectedly, deliberately
my mood changes; becomes ominous
dark, thunder, black
and i become someone else
or maybe only then the true me
a being that never forgives, never forgets
with no love, other than self love
a dark, sick love
a love of self protect, self need
a love where everbody is there for me
then i live inside myself
against all
at the cost of all
and then comes the times
that there is remorse
where clear thought and sympathy
for others break through the mist
where i think
this or that isnt normal
that the civilized wouldnt do this or that
but then comes the revolution "i"
against the standards and the norms
of those that never accepted or understood me
that didnt stand and shout in anger
when my child body was misused
the civilized ones - the ones without shame
sink themselves into tender feelings
that turn away their faces
it is my hate for them
overshadow the hate for myself
and i revel in this alien being
this is me
Lost
For a time now
I've felt lost within myself
not knowing how it feels
being so unsure
so unable to decide
I feel alone
even with myself
there is a yearning
deep within my soul
a feeling of utter
nothingness
one day the melancholy was black
as was the infinite sadness
It's as though I'm destined
to be sad for eternity
yet I can't
comprehend why
Am I a bad person?
Can you see me going down?
I'm screaming so loud
help me please
before I lose myself
For a time now
I've felt lost within myself
not knowing how it feels
being so unsure
so unable to decide
I feel alone
even with myself
there is a yearning
deep within my soul
a feeling of utter
nothingness
one day the melancholy was black
as was the infinite sadness
It's as though I'm destined
to be sad for eternity
yet I can't
comprehend why
Am I a bad person?
Can you see me going down?
I'm screaming so loud
help me please
before I lose myself
Life Part 1&2
I wear a mask as I hide
All the pain im feeling inside
you knew what you were going to do
i didnt think that would come from you
i feel cheated and used
i dont wish to suffer from your abuse
i pray at night for the
strength to fight
where should i turn?
my heart feels as if its been burned
i didnt expect this
where should i go?
who do i talk to?
im sitting here crying
the pain wont go away
what you did I call insane
i have to live with this
you cant take it back
afraid to tell friends
what happened on those nights
i hope you know what you've done
i hope you feel it
i want to scream
i want to yell
this isnt fair
how do i deal?
i cant get rid of this pain
you think you did nothing wrong
i feel so weak
why cant i be strong?
i need some strength
i need to forgive
i can run from you
but i cannot escape
the horror my eyes have seen
the pain youve caused me
its too bad you dont understand
how it is to feel
to be a stone beneath your feet
its not right to hit
and its not ok to cheat
why would you try to take
the life of someone so sweet?
shadows returning from my past
i am still bound by these chains
evilness consumes my world
its dark and quiet
except for the sound of my screams
theyre back to haunt me
i thought i had escaped
theyre trying to pull me back
back into their dark hole
i fled this world once before
it was so
hard to leave without an open door
theyre getting closer
my screams crescendo
i need to gain strength
but theres no time
theyre racing
around the corner now
where will i go?
im scared
why do they insist
on ruining my "life"
they never game me the chance
to be a happy child
to show affection
to let my emotions show
theyve done it again
they will haunt me forever
i cant get rid of the
looks
sounds
their presence
i must be strong
deal with the pain
its just about time for me to go
but remember this
i want you to know
i forgive you all
I wear a mask as I hide
All the pain im feeling inside
you knew what you were going to do
i didnt think that would come from you
i feel cheated and used
i dont wish to suffer from your abuse
i pray at night for the
strength to fight
where should i turn?
my heart feels as if its been burned
i didnt expect this
where should i go?
who do i talk to?
im sitting here crying
the pain wont go away
what you did I call insane
i have to live with this
you cant take it back
afraid to tell friends
what happened on those nights
i hope you know what you've done
i hope you feel it
i want to scream
i want to yell
this isnt fair
how do i deal?
i cant get rid of this pain
you think you did nothing wrong
i feel so weak
why cant i be strong?
i need some strength
i need to forgive
i can run from you
but i cannot escape
the horror my eyes have seen
the pain youve caused me
its too bad you dont understand
how it is to feel
to be a stone beneath your feet
its not right to hit
and its not ok to cheat
why would you try to take
the life of someone so sweet?
shadows returning from my past
i am still bound by these chains
evilness consumes my world
its dark and quiet
except for the sound of my screams
theyre back to haunt me
i thought i had escaped
theyre trying to pull me back
back into their dark hole
i fled this world once before
it was so
hard to leave without an open door
theyre getting closer
my screams crescendo
i need to gain strength
but theres no time
theyre racing
around the corner now
where will i go?
im scared
why do they insist
on ruining my "life"
they never game me the chance
to be a happy child
to show affection
to let my emotions show
theyve done it again
they will haunt me forever
i cant get rid of the
looks
sounds
their presence
i must be strong
deal with the pain
its just about time for me to go
but remember this
i want you to know
i forgive you all
Damaged
A broken heart
A broken soul
A mind torn
The pain claims me as its own
I become frantic
Yearning, burning, searching for a way out
My heart is treacherous
It cannot be trusted to lead me in the way
My mind is taken in by doubts
And I become desperate
The thirst of my soul cannot be quenched
My hungry heart cannot be satisfied
Until blood is spilled
And
I'm ripped
The scars tell their own story
Though I stand silent
The indignation of frustration beneath my skin
The evil is clawing at my very fiber
Tearing its way along the razor's edge
And I'm in fear
Because
I'm damaged
I've fallen so far
And I'm left behind
And I'm still
searching for the truth
For the answer
But I'm learning that there is none
A broken heart
A broken soul
A mind torn
The pain claims me as its own
I become frantic
Yearning, burning, searching for a way out
My heart is treacherous
It cannot be trusted to lead me in the way
My mind is taken in by doubts
And I become desperate
The thirst of my soul cannot be quenched
My hungry heart cannot be satisfied
Until blood is spilled
And
I'm ripped
The scars tell their own story
Though I stand silent
The indignation of frustration beneath my skin
The evil is clawing at my very fiber
Tearing its way along the razor's edge
And I'm in fear
Because
I'm damaged
I've fallen so far
And I'm left behind
And I'm still
searching for the truth
For the answer
But I'm learning that there is none