Disclaimer: May contain triggering material for people that suffer from mental illness including depression, eating disorders, and self harm. If you are here just to listen, thank you in advance for stopping by and listening to my story. If you're one of the folks that is currently suffering from despression, suicidal thoughts or anything related in my post, I hope that my story, and me being here today is a comfort and a help in knowing you are not alone.
Please make sure you don't go through life alone with similar thoughts, there are people out there that care!
1) I shouldn’t have just jumped into that long of a work day in the state I was.
2) I should still be there.
I had the chance to be institutionalized for free (insurance covering 100%) and help myself. What did I do? I was a fucking jack ass who lied to my doctors and therapists about how I felt during the down times and I got out early. They gave me a months worth of my new meds and let me go. Don’t get me wrong I felt that SOME progress was made. It may have been a sliver of progress, but progress none the less.
My overall psychosocial functioning is poor. I have significant problems with: physical functioning, social functioning, occupational/economic functioning, impulsive and antisocial behavior, substance abuse, focused anxiety, sadness, apathy, hyperactivity, intellectual functioning, dependency on institutional care and lack of insight. Phew that was a lot to say at one time!
1. physical inactivity
2. sleeping problems
4. family problems
5. friendship problems
6. distrust and suspiciousness
7. dependant behavior
8. educational problems
9. housekeeping problems
10. economic problems
11. medication abuse
13. major depression
15. poor concentration
17. irritability and hostility
18. self blame
19. self harm
20. institutional care dependency
21. lack of insight
22. overall bad psychosocial functioning
23. physical mobility
24. pain and discomfort
26. sexual problems
27. poor physical health
28. occupational problems
29. reckless thrill seeking behaviors
30. physical violence
31. alcohol abuse
33. panic attacks
34. hyperactivity at times
36. memory loss
37. executive functioning
38. flat emotions
39. poor self care
40. psychomotor slowing
Less common problems that have occurred:
1. seeing/hearing problems
2. housing problems
3. criminal behavior
4. smoking (drugs)
6. elated mood
7. racing speech
9. conceptual disorganization
10. word aphasia
Now someone please tell me that I am not a hugely fucked up individual. What do I deal with first? The doctors all seem to believe that my anorexia is the main issue I should be focusing on. Just because I lose 11 lbs in a week they think getting me to eat will cure me.
Note to Doctors:
a) I never ate those 3 meals a day
b) I hid food in any place I could
c) I drank excessive amounts of water before weighing in (and I still lost??!! Wtf)
d) I still found ways to purge when my doors were locked all day.
I lied. I cheated. I’m both proud and disappointed at the same time. I feel that either way the situation goes I will suffer greatly. I will either be happy that I was honest and improved but then feel guilty because it’s not what I really wanted, or I will feel shame and guilt and not doing it right – I’m a failure.
I thought my progress was improving during my hospitalization. Even though I wasn’t completely convinced I was ready to leave I felt some sort of accomplishment there. Now I’m at the opposite end with my latest suicide attempt on Friday morning and bad eating habits. Any progress made in the past has completely evaded me and I’m getting deeper and deeper into the hole I’ve been digging for years.
I feel no sense of self worth. I feel fat, ugly, unimportant, and little and I am starting to annoy myself. I have so much fear of abandonment that I am having trouble functioning everyday. Just to wake up in the morning (if I happen to sleep) – to brush my teeth is an awful chore that I NEED someone to tell me to do. I DON’T want to be alone. I can’t function as an independent right now. I am too emotionally detached from reality I need help to live.
I don’t go to the bathroom other than to throw up (voluntary or involuntary). I have headaches and when I’m not lying down or sitting I’m dizzy as hell. I don’t eat for days at a time or I eat once every few days. I have binged and thrown up since my last therapy visit. My weight is at 120 and holding. I can’t explain why the hell it won’t reduce anymore but at least its not moving up.
I have no friends. My ex treats me like shit. For the first time in our relationship I have physical bruises as well as emotional ones. Another suicide attempt in his presence without any kind of consoling action from him. I wouldn’t expect someone to try and totally comfort me in that kind of situation, but I guess other than the fact that I want to die, if that wasn’t the outcome I would at least want to get a reaction. A reaction… My family has been calling less which is what I want. I don’t want or need them talking to me everyday – I hate their accusations even if I know they’re true.
Life has never taught me much I guess. I feel that people teach me what I need to know, if people ignore me – I have done something to earn that reaction. I have no friends so therefore I am not a good enough, worthy person to have those friendships. I KNOW that is just my insecurities telling me these things, but I just cant make myself believe that.
Any future goals that I have are just that – FUTURE goals (never to be reached). I want to go back to the university, stay on campus, and be part of people’s lives. I want people to be a part of my life. I want to have fun and not be worried about every little thing. Everyone in therapy says this one, “I want to be happy.”
I used to tell myself recently the only thing that made me happy was being either Greg (ex bf). Even though in the recent past he has made me absolutely miserable I still love him. I love my abusers. I love him and I love myself. Not in positive ways I am seeing…I can’t keep holding onto people and my anorexia as security blankets. I wasn’t to be able to have a normal relationship and not have this constant fear of abandonment hanging over my head. Controlling my eating isn’t helping me shake this fear and I don’t know why I hold onto it. I want to let both go – I do…but I need them and I want to keep them at the same time. I’ve decided not to take my medicines any more until I see a professional this week because 1) I used all but 3 days worth of TWO types of medicines when I overdosed and 2) it would only tempt me to attempt again.
Suicide is and will be an option for me as long as I see. I need to be put in a padded room and strapped to a bed before I could promise not to harm myself and even then, I would THINK about it still.
I was reading my old journal and I found these 2 quotes to be true:
*He who seeks to save his life will lose it
*We give up our lives to please others – we die inside
Since this entry is so long..I will continue in another
I feel so...: depressed