Disclaimer: May contain triggering material for people that suffer from mental illness including depression, eating disorders, and self harm. If you are here just to listen, thank you in advance for stopping by and listening to my story. If you're one of the folks that is currently suffering from despression, suicidal thoughts or anything related in my post, I hope that my story, and me being here today is a comfort and a help in knowing you are not alone.
Please make sure you don't go through life alone with similar thoughts, there are people out there that care!
So by this time, I had been out of the hospital for a couple of months engaging in all sorts of reckless activity just to feel alive. No matter how hard I tried to make friends, find love and just be happy, I kept falling back into the same rut...
Im starting to think:
I should be a prostitute
I should be a nun
I should attempt to kill myself
I should bang my head on the wall a million times
I should take my tranqs and go to bed
I have no clue
Im SOOOOOOO tired of being in my shoes. I've had enough time as "me." That's enough! My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my heart hurts, what the fuck my entire body hurts. No amount of words, hugs, pills, smiles or friendly gestures is going to make me feel better now. Been there - done that. There is only one way everything will go away...
Im a waste of human flesh and soul.
I guess no matter how good/bad things are in my life I'll always be disappointed or depressed. Not really in others, but myself. If I even try and look into the mirror or get the guts to stand on the scale..well, you know exactly what I see.
I am never perfect and I know I will never be...that doesn't stop you know who from telling me - hey fucker you can and you'd better. I hate feeling like this day after day. Sure There are times (now more than usual) when I'm content or preoccupied with something/someone ;) that makes me happy for the moment. I know the consequences - I'm slowly killing myself. Just because its not drugs/smoking doesn't mean its WRONG. Working at freak Panera Bread in no way helps my situation. I eat now more than I have in months and its horrible. It's sort of toned down a bit this past week but it needs to slow/stop even more.
...living in a crash world
"Keep telling yourself that bones sticking through skin, excessive body hair that grows as a result of malnutrition, rotten teeth burned by stomach acid, thinning scalp hair, and malnourished skin is attractive and sexy." <~~I do this EVERY FUCKING DAY...someone please hit me across the head with a frying pan or something. Knock - SOME kind of sense into this piece of rotting brain of mine.
at this point the truth seems absurd
If I've been moody - I'm sry. Females tend to have that problem, PLUS things have been depressing me as of late. I fell empty and a bit lonely, even though I've found my same being amazingly made happy by my new bf. I'm also felling kind of scared and angry at myself. I feel like a huge bum. I'm not back in school yet, I have a stupid high schoolers job and I live with my sister. WHEN am I going to be able to have a stable environment that I'VE created for MYSELF and can maintain?! Seems like it'll never happen. This dam BPD of mine causes more shit to go down day after day. I've been off my meds for about a month because i just refused to take them cause I don't think they did anything ( I feel EXACTLY the same as I have for a LONG time.
i cant seem to break free
I feel so...: awake
hearing: godhead: the reckoning
July 27th, 2005
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
It seems that everthing is spinning out of control these days. Dont really know what to do/where to go...
I cant find the right words to even begin to explain to anyone.
People try and help - they make it sound soooo simple. Ive been at my "way of life" for about 10 years now. 10! Therefore, it cant be as simple as saying "hey-i don't really want to be this way anymore.
Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
I can pretty much justify things and make things seems normal when I know that the way I live and the things I do are far from it. With J I get so defensive now. Defensive & defiant...that's me.
How can I want to be healthy and sick at the same time? I want a life, but I want my bad habits. To be, being healthy = being a failure, being fat, being "better"...just the opposite of what would really come. I don't think of my eating as people, but if I did ana/mia would have been the best friends I never had. I never really DID have friends...I'm not sure I really do now. Ok I might see one or two once in a while, but do they know me? Do they take the time to call and see how I am? To sit and talk with me? To give me a hug when I need one? ..no I don't have any of that. Its missing, it has been missing fir years, and I doubt Ill ever get the chance to say I've finally found that.
Strive For Perfection
And Strike With Precision
I want to give up. Im tired of trying to live. I cant seem to focus...but somehow losing a lb or two is a temp fix.
"Tonight as I was looking at my coctail of drugs & I got to thinking. Do I take these pills because I think they help or because Ive been brainwashed into being horrified of what would happen if I gave them up entirely? Right now Im talking mood stablelizers to stop me from being too up and antidepressants because the mood stablelizers bring we too down. Im wondering how many drugs I have to be on until Im just right, while I feel like goldilocks. Im also on xanax to stop me from really going off the wall. I wonder if there is life with out pills considering that nurture is probably more relavant then nature anyway. Does anybody ever feel like there drugs really work for them? So we have the pills for mood, to try and give me a better appitie, tranquilizers, anxiety meds, pills to sleep, stomach medicine & pain pills -- when is itenough?????
When Ive had a long and drawn out argument with my boyfriend or whomever at the end of the day I look back to see what I had said and I found myself wondering why I took offense to what I did in the first place. I picked up on something so minor and just went with it. This is an ongoing problem with me. I'll eventually hit a point where I can't make sense of what is going on in my head and I have to break away from my borderline self in order to refocus. Then we go back out and the process starts all over again. I can't seem to find a way to make it stop or even remotely lessen the confusion in my head.
A lot of the times my rational self will kick in during these arguments, but as time goes on the irrational part of me creates a fog and I can't figure out what is what. I'll get so caught up in the emotion that I'm feeling that I'm either not sure if it's a valid feeling, not sure if it's how I really feel or it'll consume me to the point where I'll either believe that it's the way I feel or it becomes such a driving force that I have no choice in the matter. What really kills me is that 9 times out of 10 after I've expressed the feeling I can no longer identify with why I felt it in the first place! Sometimes I don't even remember what it felt like! It's as if it was all a figment of my imagination and then I'm stuck with the screwed up situation that I created all because I trusted an emotion. There are times when I can hear the rational part of me telling me to calm down and to not act on the emotion because it's either not valid or it isn't worth the argument, but I'll feel so consumed with either rage, agitation or hurt that I find I don't want to back off because I know backing off will just cause it to build up.
The thing is...even when I do have a legitimate reason to be angry, agitated or hurt I am unable to trust my perception of things because of my borderline issues! It's like I never know if this situation is "one of those times." I used to think I was pretty perceptive of other people and I still do, deep down, but even the slightest confusion completely throws me off. I immediately assume my brain is processing things incorrectly, because it does that all too often. For instance, when my boyfriend gets angry he'll use actions or things against me that never happened or existed and I'll pick up on it right away, but the more he uses the example the more I start to wonder if maybe I did do those things and I just don't remember! It's like I trust his perception over my own because I don't have any basis to trust how I see things...at least when I'm in a relationship. I'm so frustrated with myself and I'm so sick of feeling crazy! Sometimes it feels like there is a whirlwind inside of my head and everything is moving so fast that I can't tell what emotion is the right one. There's even been times where I've just let myself be crazy because it's exhausting trying to make a decision about something that shouldn't be questionable in the first place. I should really hire someone to make decisions for me. :(
I've grown to truly believe that I'm a bad person because I do nothing but freak out and constantly condemn my boyfriend when all he tries to do is care about me. What scares me is that the way this will end is him having enough of me and leaving. When one of these situations happen I just end up hystericaly crying and repeating over and over how bad I am and that I have no control over it, it's not him and it's all me. I'm so dysfunctional and I just wish I could make things better for me and for him, but all I do is destroy everything around me, even myself.
I bite the skin inside my mouth to stop myself from crying or sometimes to hide myself for letting myself get upset. I dig my nails into my skin hoping the familiar numbing will start. When I SI it feels like I get out of my own head just a little bit, like I'm watching myself doing it; the worse the injury, the further away I drift. And I get caught up in it to the point that it starts to block out the rest, even if for a few minutes. No regret until I come to my senses and by then I usually have some tell-tale mark of my moments of weakness. Until after I have already done it, I don't care. And when I have one of those days where I just wake up crying and I know it won't get much better from there I'm almost afraid to leave the house. I've gotten better about cutting, the behavior that seems to bother my family and friends the most, but right now... with thinking about what I've lost, its hard not to go find one of my hidden sharp objects and give myself some relief, however temporary. I just feel so wretched, hurting and ashamed and lost. There are so many other pressures now too. I can't get it out of MY head. And so I go and I hurt alone, and I want to hurt myself for being so weak and pathetic, and then again when I see those marks on my skin, or even worse someone asks why I have scratches or cuts on my arms). Sorry for the rambling.... I suppose it served no other purpose."
This "entry" has already encompassed 3 posts, and I do want to include one more strictly of the poetry I've written, so I will end this "blast from the past" here. In summary - I struggled for many years with issues, some of which still circle my brain now and then. I do find living difficult, not in the same way, but my BPD does make me struggle with handling situations. I currently don't see any doctors or take and meds. Believe me when I tell you if I could have fought my past and be here today, you can too - don't struggle alone!