Disclaimer: May contain triggering material for people that suffer from mental illness including depression, eating disorders, and self harm. If you are here just to listen, thank you in advance for stopping by and listening to my story. If you're one of the folks that is currently suffering from despression, suicidal thoughts or anything related in my post, I hope that my story, and me being here today is a comfort and a help in knowing you are not alone.
Please make sure you don't go through life alone with similar thoughts, there are people out there that care!
Before bed I weighed myself... I lost one lb!!!!!!! Yay a sense of acmplishment.
Now Im not nearly as worried about the 2 small slices of pizza I shoved in my mouth this afternoon, but just in case I was an idiot and felt the need to take laxs'. God I havent taken those for like 3 years since my problems with them. I guess I feel a littl relieved taking them even though I know in my mind they don't do shit.
I can't say for sure if I even want to "cure" my anorexia. I've held onto it for over 8 years now and it's a part of me, the biggest proof of control that I own. I don't deny that my situation might be serious, and I don't deny that I will die if I don't eat. Even KNOWING just that - "I WILL DIE IF I DONT EAT," doesnt scare me one bit. You may think im crazy or just plain stupid. I will not give this up right now. I don't care. It's great being out of the hospital and not having 3 and 5 people hovering over you forcing you to sit in a chair for as much as 7 hours with your tray of food in front of you. I don't have to worry about drinking any of that nasty ensure - fucking chalk. I don't have to worry about hiding and giving away my meals and bloating myself with water before every weigh in. I can use the bathroom without having someone standing 5 inches away from me.
Part of me wants to be sick, depleted, weak and just totally dead. Take that away from me and I become hysterical because I don't know how to accept who I really am.
Oh - one thing... All of a sudden tonight I have had a mouth like speedy gonzalas..non stop spitting out word after wordl analyzing every sentence I say or hear/read. I wish I could just take my meds and shut my mind up for a couple hours and rest, but I need to prove to myself that I have control over more than eating. I have to prove to myself that I can survive each day without altering my true self with numbing medication.
I've decided to post my stats every day to keep track for myself and therapist even if I don't write which aparently is supposed to be beneficial.
Mood: Restless, a little relieved, worried
Mood: Confused, worried, sick, tired
Lost another pound since this morning and that feels good. Although I had the worst time between last entry and this.
I read til 8:30 then went back into the bedroom and failed mercilessly at sleeping...I think. I can't tell whether or not I was awake. I assume I probably was. God its so hard to comprhend. If it was sleep, I had horrible nightmares about being in a hospital. I swear to god I was convinced I had a brother trying to break me out. Over and over (without the fearful details) the same story played over and over each time I found myself sitting awake in bed. At some point I was crying because I was scared and felt sick and I was coughing as I was "throwing up" in my "dream." Its hard to write out exactly because I cant tell the difference between reality and my hallucinations which for the first time is extremely terrifying.
Last Friday at work they made me leave home after an hour and a half because they said I wasnt feeling well. I wasnt. I don't even remember most of what happened... just this:
1)Tom (my machine boss)hold me up by my shoulders
2)Sitting the the office
3) Handing Greg my car keys
4) A lady driving me home
5) Getting the spare key and putting it back
6) Sleeping until 7:30 pm, waking up frantically trying to find Greg thinking it was 7:30 in the morning and calling him only to find out it was pm and he was still at work.
7) Sleeping until Greg got home
Now I feel like a complete ass going to work again because of not recolecting any part of what happened to me, but I know now that I still feel the same. Maybe not quite as severe, but I cant make clear thoughts (it takes a great deal of time and effort and squniting my face to make sence of what Im saying). Im lightheaded/dizzy and Im sure work is going to be hell again. We will see.
I feel so...: sick
All I can bear myself to say right now is I am sitting here waiting to die. Im tired to fighting with no progress or any feeling to need to progress. It's just a short matter of time before I waste away to nothing or die trying.
If I dont gain soon Ill die here alone or be hospitalized to die alone.
I honestly think it will be alone. Ive scared anyone who might have a slight interest in my well being away. No one wants to be around me. No one wants to talk to me, and I dont blame them. I dont deserve family, friends, co workers, heath administrators. No one wants me to get better, they only want me to survive enough to pass me along to the next individual and Im tired of it. No more shuffling around. No more fighting, no more anything....just time...time to lay here; sit/walk/"fucntion" as long as I can which isn't far from extincion. Im ready to go...Im not scared of dying just scared to do it alone.
Im dizzy, extremely hungry and not at the same time. Im constantley cold, wearing layers and layers lying under 7 blankets at a time - wearing gloves god dammit. Im done. Done not using the bathroom, barley being able to stand without falling over...done squinting to keep my eyes open...
I feel so...: empty